She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
