my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
