I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Randomize
