I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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