why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
