Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
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