Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Randomize
