I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
