i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
