It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
