420 ftw
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
