You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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