I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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