Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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