I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
pop tarts are not kleenex
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
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