I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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