there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
