chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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