Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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