I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
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