There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
