I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
