i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
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