So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
