he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
