**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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