Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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