u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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