worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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