If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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