i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
