ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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