i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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