An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
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