Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
