After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
