So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
