Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
