Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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