I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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