Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
