I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Randomize
