Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
You were trust falling into bushes
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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