Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
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