if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
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