I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
