I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.