Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
If You’re Hot, It’s Easier For You To Do These 27 Things
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
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So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.