if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together