hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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