Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
