I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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