I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
