here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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