Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
