she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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