so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
