Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
The police scanner is talking about you again....
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Sorry my hands just texted you
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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