too bad you live with your parents still
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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