you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
