Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
