FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
