Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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