Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
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